Darkness

What? Two posts in one day?
I will be better eventually, but right now I am very sad. I want a fast track through the sadness. I don't want to deal with grief anymore. Grief and I are too well-acquainted.

I want to be one of those people who sees grief on a street and nods and keeps moving past it.

Instead I am one of those people who sees grief on the street, runs over to say hello, starts walking with it, even though it's taking me wayyy out of my planned route, and then I say yes to a cup of tea and we sit in a Victorian cafe and I get further engrossed and even though I want to leave, I can't.

And then grief asks me to come back to its apartment, just to check out, I don't know, its latest portfolio, or its music collection, or a memory book, or just to give me a heart stone it found, and so I go with grief and pretty soon I'm leading a double life, hanging out with grief in the daytime and then racing home to greet my kid from school, do the homework-dinner-tuck-into-bed thing, and then I run back to grief and spend the night with it.
Where, incidentally, I cannot sleep.
Sure, there's a pillow there, and nice blankets, but grief talks in its sleep or it stays up all night chatting like at a slumber party, or it haunts me with possibilities.
Then it wakes me up early and I have to run back home to get the kid up for school.
Yeah, I know grief.
I know it too well. "Hello darkness, my old friend." - Paul Simon

On the bright side, and thank goodness there is one, my painting is coming along well. I'm almost ready to submit this project I've been working on for ages.
Grief, come visit me later; I have work to do.

Larry Garth Bowen, 1943-2008

My dear friend Larry Bowen passed away, unexpectedly. The funeral is on Friday. I found these four heart-shaped rocks on the walk back from the school bus stop this morning. If there's one thing that characterized Larry, it's heart.

(the dip in the middle isn't as evident here as it is in person)

Larry was one of those diamonds in the rough you hear about. A big, tough, burly guy with a heart of soft, mushy, compassion for anyone weaker, especially kids and animals.

I first met him when my then-youngest, Katie, was one week old. Larry's wife Sue worked at the same store as my husband, and they got to talking: "My wife's an artist." "Oh, really? My husband's looking for one for his silk screen business."
This led to our 17-year working relationship and a deep friendship.

Larry knew us probably better than anyone. He was there when Katie lost her first tooth. He said to her, "Wow, you're in luck! The tooth fairy gives $5 for the first tooth!" Katie was thrilled. (Normally the tooth fairy only gives a quarter for teeth, at our house) I shot Larry an annoyed look, and he laughed and laughed. Then he slipped me $5.

When our cat went crazy and bit Katie's face, because she was trying to catch him and put him back in the house (until that moment he'd been an inside cat), Larry was there. It bit him too, on the hand (rotten cat). They both needed stitches, but Larry was only worried about Katie, and he never gave us the hospital bill.

When Katie was in high school and needed a scientific calculator and we couldn't afford one, Larry loaned her his. It was stolen in school; those things cost more than $100. I was terribly upset. Larry said it was no big deal.

Whenever Larry visited, which was about two or three times a week, our miniature poodle, Willie, went nuts, jumping all over the couch, barking and wagging his whole body. Larry said Willie reminded him of his own miniature poodle, Frank, who died before Willie was born.
He told us Frank stories that we still bring up at odd times and laugh about, like Frank's embarrassment at getting a frou-frou dog haircut.
Whenever we needed someone to keep an eye on Willie for a few days when we went out of town, Larry volunteered.

One of my favorite photos which I sent to my son's new fiance last winter, to help her get to know the family, was of Larry posing with six-year-old Joey on Larry's big ol' honkin' motorcycle. Joe says the ride was fun at first, but it turned harrowing -- he thought when Larry turned onto a small cul de sac it was leading to the expressway, and Joe was screaming at Larry to not go on the expressway because it was too fast.
I remember Larry chuckling about it when he brought Joey back home (riding slowly). His grandsons all did motorcycle sports starting as preschoolers, but he never made my son feel inadequate for being afraid to go too fast.

Larry always had candy in his pocket or in the car, for my kids. In fact, it tickled him no end when Katie asked him for candy. I told her that was rude, and it was better to wait for candy to be offered, but he loved it and we decided the rules for Larry are different than for the rest of the world.

Our working relationship wasn't always a bed of roses; his pay scale was sometimes low, and sometimes I disliked the assignments. I dreamed of something bigger and he told me, "You and I will always be middle class," which I resented.
As the internet opened wider, there was more competition for lower-priced silkscreen work, but everyone around here knew Larry was the best.

His work ethic was top notch, his prints were the best in the business and his prices were reasonable. He was honest to the core, morally upright, and had integrity. Plus he was a lot of fun to talk to. We talked about everything under the sun. I knew his family intimately, from his stories, and he knew mine. He advised me on everything.
He gave it to you straight, no baloney, no fancy words. If he saw something that wasn't good for the kids, he told you (like when he overheard a friend say something inappropriate for kids, at a family party).

I stopped working with Larry a few years ago because I wanted to do kids' books, and he was passing his business down to his son. We no longer saw each other often, but I still visited the same CPA Larry set me up with 19 years ago, still joked with my family about Frank, and kept telling myself I should stop by Larry's house and see how he and Sue were doing.

When our oldest wanted t-shirts for her fiance's business a few months ago, she wanted Larry to print them, and my husband and I jumped at the chance to go with her. As a special treat for both, we brought Willie with us.
Larry and Sue sat on the porch with us for a long time, just like when Larry would come to my house and sit and talk for hours. We caught each other up on all the kids and grandkids, and Larry played with Willie. It was a great time.
I think I gave him a copy of my Ellie McDoodle book. I hope I did. I'm so grateful we went. So glad we renewed that friendship. I'm too good at letting friendships lapse because I'm distracted with other things (ADD curse).

Why was Larry such a good guy, when his exterior was so rough and tough?
During a terrible motorcycle accident that should have killed him, just a short time before I met him, he had an honest-to-goodness angel encounter.
It changed his life.
He carried everywhere the scars of that accident; his leg was swollen and infected for 20 years and no doctor was able to completely heal it. He also carried everywhere the magic healing of that accident. Because of Larry, I know angels are real.

When Sue called to say that Larry died, I went into shock. Numb, I phoned each of my oldest three kids. And then the tears came.
I hesitated to even tell my youngest; it was late at night and I thought she might not even remember Larry. She said, "Oh, was he the Licorice Man?" Yes, Larry was the Licorice Man.
I have a million stories about Larry, a million funny memories, but that sums it up as well as anything: He was sweet and good.

The world is a better place for Larry's having been here, and I am diminished by his loss. :(

More heart-shaped found objects on my website, here.

4:24am: Do you know where your pillow is?

When I was a kid, our Detroit NBC tv station (or was it CBS?) used to announce at 10 every evening: "It's 10 o'clock; do you know where your children are?"
I found it amusing. Where else would kids be but in the living room fighting the directive to go to bed, or in the bedroom already snoozing?
Even more amusing was the spin given to the by-then-well-known announcement, a few years later: "It's 10 o'clock; do you know where your parents are?"

So it's almost dawn. I'm up way past my bedtime. I blame the kids.1. Oldest daughter had a baby shower today, plus she moved to a new apartment. I know -- that's a lot for one day. It's crazy. All it does is make me feel old.2. Second kid's fiance' hosted the baby shower party, so I had to help out. (It was very kind and generous of her)3. Third kid needed to be driven to college (3 hours round trip) after the party. And before that, she needed groceries because she's having trouble getting a student loan to pay for classes and a meal plan. I have no idea what's going to happen, but as a show of support I bought her lots of peanut butter, tuna fish, oatmeal, cherries, broccoli and chicken. Real food. (real expensive food)
On the way home from the other end of the state, I consumed mass quantities of caffeine just to stay awake.4. Fourth kid was entirely reasonable and unhormonal. I guess I only blame some of the kids.

Upon getting home from college, wide awake, I checked the computer. It was stuck in an almost-turned-off mode. Scary. An automatic update didn't quite update, and my computer insisted the date was Feb 24, 2004 and the time was 11:34pm. I was sent back in time 4 years, 6 months, 4 hours and 10 minutes.
I thought about staying there, because it'd make me a bit younger (more energetic?), but 02-24-04 was a whole year before I signed with my agent, a whole year before I finally got a great, marketable idea for a book (Ellie McDoodle) and a whole year before that fateful first trip to NYC with a sketchbook in hand.
I prefer what I've got right here, right now.

Ellie McDoodle on the web

This is so cool, finding Ellie McDoodle in unexpected places.
Do you subscribe to Google Alerts in your name, and your book's name?
If so, you get surprised with occasional references to your work, like I was with this Detroit News article about kids' lit, mentioning both Ellie books.
If you're not yet a fan of Google Alerts, you will be.
(more hearts here)

Childhood aspirations

All this time I thought when I was a little kid I wanted to draw for a living when I grew up (I also remember wanting to be a teacher, a lawyer or an embryologist). See, when you get a book published, people ask what you were like as a kid, and what you aspired to, growing up.
You get all introspective about it, and try to remember.
And what I'd remembered was that, as far back as my brain would cooperate, I was a good writer and a good artist, but writing was my mother's forte and, being territorial, I figured I couldn't write. And so I drew.But my dear friend April just described her work-in-progress and it jolted my brain and suddenly I remembered something wonderful: When I was 7 or 8 I read Eleanor Estes' The Witch Family which I looooved. I read it a zillion times. I remember loving it so much I drew and wrote new scenarios for the witch girls. I longed to write and illustrate a real, published story about little witch girls at school and at home. I knew I couldn't do justice to the idea as a kid. I knew I'd have to become a grownup first.
Incidentally, The Witch Family was nothing like Harry Potter. It was for younger kids, and it had an entirely different sensibility.
Funny that I forgot it all these years.
Funny to suddenly remember why I've liked the name Clarissa all these years, and why bumblebees have never scared me, even though I was stung between the toes when I was 9.
And funny to know now, with absolute certainty, that at age 8 I wanted to grow up and write and illustrate kids' stories for a living.

Of two minds (or maybe it's three)

I sometimes wonder if I have multiple personality issues because on most things I am of at least two minds.Right now I'm happy to be writing this blog piece, here at the computer, but there's a nagging sense I ought to be in the dining room, writing more on my new story idea. When I get back to that, I will become the character, a 5-year-old boy who probably has A.D.D.
When I take a break from that story and turn to the sketch-diary work-in-progress, I'll become a 15-year-old adventurer. And then the next Ellie McDoodle book will beckon and I'll become a 12-year-old girl with all the inner-battling angst and confidence of adolescence. Then I'll bounce over to Marcella, a 6-year-old creative problem-solver. But even while I become those personalities, I still apparently nurture the nasty inner critic who tears apart everything I do. I don't mean to keep feeding her. I'd like for her to waste away, or pack up and visit someone else for a while. Alas, she thrives in my head and has no reason to move on. Actually, I suspect she's been busy reproducing because I hear other negative voices as well.All these characters, mischievous and virtuous, disparaging and uplifting, live simultaneously in my head.
Sometimes they all yell at me at the same time.Sometimes they yell at me at the same time that someone in my real-life family is yelling at me -- and usually the family member is the sort who thinks real-life people deserve priority attention.
It's not always a bad thing to have all these various brains inside me. It's often helpful, like when I am about to start an author presentation at a bookstore. I get butterflies almost to the point of nausea, in advance. Eventually one of the rational brains steps forward and takes control, assuring the others that I've done these visits many dozens of times, I can handle whatever comes up, and in the end the visit will work out well. Usually the other brains settle down and let that brain continue to distract me for the next few hours.Then when the visit is over, the other brains jump back in, bouncing up and down in my head (nausea returns) and I get the urge to run or turn backflips.
I've never in my life done a backflip; I'm sure I wouldn't survive it.
Thankfully, the Zen brain takes over and drives me quietly and calmly back to my home, by which time the backflippers are asleep from the white noise of the highway.
Maybe it's normal to have lots of competing brains inside you, if you're creative. But maybe it's what drove artists and writers insane, throughout history. For my own safety, I'm telling the voices they can stay; what I don't need right now is a full-head mutiny.I have to go. The 5-year-old in my head just woke up and is ready to tell his story.

Does life ever slow down?

Does life ever slow down? And would I want it to? No, and no, I guess.

(from an Attwood Elementary School Field Day 2008 sign; this year's theme was Ellie McDoodle! Last year's was Dr. Suess)

Ellie 2 is out! Ellie McDoodle: New Kid in School is on bookstore and library shelves right NOW. Buy it! Borrow it! Read it!

I think it's a better book than the first. The first reviews are in, and they agree. It's the best I could make it... which means there's plenty of room for improvement. ;)

The book launch party at Schuler Books in Eastwood Towne Center last weekend went FANTASTIC. We had more people than chairs -- I was truly heartened (and surprised -- expected about 3 people there, and even told Jim at Schulers to only set up 3 chairs. He laughed and set up 40). My friend Lori reports on the event here.

Ellie and Er-ick play tug-o-war on a sign at the Attwood Field Day

I'm working on a few other book projects right now. When my wonderful-beautiful-brilliant (honestly, she is all that) editor says those magic words, "What do you have for the next Ellie book?" I'll be ready. In the meantime, I'm working on a book for older kids and a book for younger kids.

I've done a zillion sketches this summer, but haven't scanned many in because I've been too busy with other obligations.
Here are two sketches from my cousin's Ordination as a Priest, in May.

It was a fascinating ceremony, held in downtown Detroit at a lovely cathedral. Here's Father Charles, no longer Chuck:

Our car is in the shop, the first loaner car died (same problem as our car, ironically), and now the second loaner car is dead. I'm distressed; I missed a crit group meeting this morning and will probably miss my friend's birthday party this afternoon.

Crying doesn't help, so I'm writing (working on a book about a kid in NYC).

And, when I need a break, I pull pranks on my kid.

I'm laughing at the moment, because she just walked into my studio dressed like me! And talking like me! And it's hysterical.

Got time on your hands because your car isn't working?

Read this: Debbie Diesen's blog

Her book just went into a second printing -- and it's only been out a couple months.

And read this: Ann Finkelstein's blog.

And this one: Lori Van Hoesen's blog.

And check out this site: http://runamokink.com/ That's April.

These are all brilliant writers in my crit group. (Tim, Amy and Kay don't have blogs yet)

I love them so much I put their pictures in my second Ellie book. Page 7.

ICL chat with Harold Underdown

Harold Underdown will be guest speaker with reknowned interviewer Jan Fields at The Institute of Children's Literature for an online chat called "Down the Publishing Path" on Thur. May 22 from 8-10 p.m. Eastern.
Go here to join in the chat or to find out more info: chat page.
Email any advance questions for Harold to WebEditor@institutechildrenslit.com.
The 3rd edition of Harold's book, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Publishing Children's Books comes out this month.
I recommend this book everywhere to new writers; I think it's the most useful publication for beginners on how to write books for kids. It's helpful for non-beginners, as well.
I've bought a few copies of it. Mine keep going out on loan.
And -- Harold's an awfully nice guy, very helpful with advice. I've "known" him online for more than a few years in a few writer communities (he's one of those kindly-instructor types: Patient, helpful, never pompous or overbearing), and I remember how excited everyone got when he announced he was writing this book. We all knew this book was desperately needed by the new writer community.

Go to Harold's Purple Crayon website for more detailed info on his book and also for up-to-date information on the children's books publishing industry.

Interested in finding out more about kids' books writing? Check out the amazingly overflowing ICL chat transcripts from years of interviews with experts and experienced writers: Very useful stuff here.

And, check out the transcript from my chat with ICL, about humor, here: Humor in kids' books. It's humorous but informative.

Working on my studio

The current problem: The studio's too small, too cluttered, and too disorganized.
The plan: Reorganize it. I have two days to make it work, before I need to return to the various works in progress.
The process: Write out my "Wish List," all those things I really want the studio to provide, accommodate, and be. Then figure out what needs to be where. Then move everything into place.
The obstacles: A million other projects, the voice in my head that says to work on something more concrete, limited time, tight finances, tendonitis, Snood.
The rewards: Substantial. No more embarrassment about how the studio looks. And a return to those distant happy days when I loved my studio and found it easy to do any kind of work in it.
The progress: To be announced.

Catching up

I've been working on a new book, and lots of author presentations, and trying to keep up with my kids' busy schedules.
The end of the school year is always so crazy...
Next week I'm off to camp with the fourth graders. I don't expect it to be a vacation. (I'll post the sketches)
Here are a couple from last year's camping trip:

That's me in the bottom right corner, completely exhausted from hiking in the dunes.
Unfortunately I am not in much better shape this year.

Oh, this is too funny. See the date on that last sketch? 2005? It should have been 2007. I guess I really was tired! Funny that nobody apparently noticed. These sketch composites were copied and distributed to the kids who went.

Other Kid Stuff:
My 10-year-old won a local school district writing/illustrating contest. I took a hands-off approach to her entry, because I didn't want to use unfair influence. Besides, she didn't want me involved. She barely let me read her entry.
I'm so proud of her, and how much work she put into her book! She tells me she wants to be a singer when she grows up, but I know her real aptitude is for writing and illustrating. I'm trying to let her discover that for herself.

Tonight my son's fiancee showed me her wedding gown. I'd post pics here (I sketched it and also took photos) but I'm supposed to keep it a secret from him. I won't jinx their happy life, so I'll just say this: It's beautiful. So is she.

My oldest daughter is having a baby in Sept/October, and we've found out it's a girl. Her 5-year-old son is nonchalant. He was hoping for both a boy and a girl, both -- so they could play with each other and leave him alone.
He has a funny sense of humor. He told his teacher he wanted to change his name to Tylenol. He doesn't even know what Tylenol is. I guess he just likes how it sounds.

My middle daughter is home from college. It's fun having her around. She heads back in a month for summer classes. She's hoping to buy an old car, soon, so I don't have to keep driving her. If you have a lead on a cheap car, let me know.

For Mother's Day two of my kids (the middle ones) wrote long letters that made me cry. (Joy, not pain) And the youngest wrote a lovely song which she sang and played many times on her cornet for me. She also gave me a long list of coupons (backrub, clean house, mom/daughter time, all sorts of goodies!). And she made me a beaded bracelet. My oldest bought a game for us all to play on Family Night, and she brought a balloon that plays You Are My Sunshine (amazing what balloons can do, nowadays). That was our song back when she was 2. My son gave me a new digital camera -- I accidentally broke the LCD screen on my fancy camera last month, to my great distress. My future daughter-in-law gave me a necklace. They all took me out to dinner -- Chinese, our favorite.
I am sure I have the best kids in the world, but I'll try not to brag, because it will only make you want to borrow them, and I like having them here.

Author Stuff:
I've done some fun school visits this spring. Elms Road Elementary in Swartz Creek, near Flint, sold 155 copies of Ellie McDoodle! Amazing!! After signing, my hand hurt for a week.

My work-in-progress is officially submitted and looking for a home. It's hard to type with fingers crossed.

My critique group writer friends and I have begun a group blog, here. Most of them have separate blogs also, and they're very entertaining.

More later. Off to bed...